The Nonflict Way of Resolving Conflict

So the Nonflict way combines coaching and marriage therapy positive psychology and change management in a very structured step-by-step process that fits on the back of a business card that was the key that it would be some simple we wouldn’t have to refer to a large book on conflict after we learned it and you just took out the card and if you didn’t already memorize it just followed it people appreciate a process and it's really logical when you go through it so step one of the Nonflict way is first to understand ourselves and the other so what are my facts what are my feelings around the conflict then what’s important to me the other person would near back the essence of what they heard and ask did I understand you well and is there anything else So when you mirror that through active listening the person who shared it is getting respected understood safe and then might share what the other thing is because usually there were something else we're starting to deal with the symptoms and why has to be unpacked with is there anything else and that comes from marriage therapy. The next question what's important to me around this conflict and we do the same thing as far and mirroring it back-and-forth and we're finding when we take the time to understand ourselves from the other that we find we want the same thing if we're at work we want to enjoy the people we work with we want to enjoy the process the job we want to fulfill the company vision assuming we're part of that vision and typically we are and at home we want to feel safe and loved and really enjoy the people we're with right so we want the same thing typically when we take the time to understand ourselves and the other so then the next question is what are real underlying conflict here we discuss this together what’s the real problem what’s the real issue rather than what are the symptoms of the conflict. Next question and now we’re by the way enter step 2 is what our shared reality understanding our shared realities what's working well for us that comes from positive psychology because often when we're in conflict we're just thinking about the negative if we take the time to appreciate what's working well for us we enjoy working together we have a great company where we're committed we're married we have a wonderful we have wonderful kids what’s working well for us, even if it's just that we're willing to talk about the conflict it is something positive Then what’s our worst case scenario if we can't resolve this conflict because often we need from change management a real perceived crisis in order to take action to change so what's our worst case scenario and how would that feel in the case of a relationship married maybe we would break up and I’d have to go visit my kids you know elsewhere and that would be terrible or our company would go down and if we couldn't agree if we keep having conflict and deteriorate our employees and us would be out of a job how would that feel pretty horrible so now we have motivation to take action toward change then we visualize what would our ideal reality be now we’re into step 3 which is co-create what would our best case scenario be our ideal reality be and how would that feel and we discuss that What are the obstacles to achieve our ideal reality and then of the obstacles that we could control or influence what could we do to overcome them followed by an action by plan which is who's going do what went and that was the co-creation phase and that is the way to resolve any conflict.